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Jul. 23rd, 2011


 So it seems that since I left Tim it doesn't seem to matter what I do.  I'm gonna piss somebody off. And apparently I'm a bad friend because for once I need to take care of me right now. This shit really pisses me off!

May. 17th, 2011

Just for fun!

 What kind of flirt am I?

You Are a Coy Flirt
You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.
You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.
Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.
A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.


May. 3rd, 2011

Roll a D6

Love this!!!!


Apr. 23rd, 2011

Just in case you haven't heard... I'm a "pill head"

 Letter from my so called and now ex best friend:

"I don't know what in the hell you expect to accomplish any longer. You are not even close to the person you used to be. I don't recall a time when you ever sought to make yourself this miserable and then enjoy it so much. First thing is first: I love you and I will always love you. The fact that you think you want to abandon me now is not really something that is new. You've done it before. I have always been by your side and regardless of how we differed in opinion I supported you, did I not? The only thing that I asked in return was that you stayed in this relationship with open arms and an open mind. It is totally up to you whether you do it or not.

I guess that is what pisses me off the most about all this....you are pushing away the people that have been there for you and loved you the most so dismissively. You most be out of your mind to be so apathetic. That is the only way that I can explain it without hurting so bad. You're damn right I'm angry and hurt but not enough to want to end our relationship as you so anxiously are.

You remember how you pegged me for someone who won't take your crap? I'm still the same person. I'm tired of hearing about how bad your life is sucking, when it really doesn't....how you can't talk about it or you don't know what to do.....you do know, otherwise you wouldn't be in the pickle you are in right now and trying to create more problems. Did your Teresa friend put you up to this? I see on your page she is quite the shit-stirrer.

Chaos is the last thing you need....but you do need a swift kick in the ass. I don't have it in me to feel sorry for you any longer. Life is so fucking hard without you adding to the crap. You have to get up, dust off and move the fuck on, Chandra. You know this like you know every freckle on your body. I also know that you are being heavily, overly medicated. You don't need all that garbage any more than I do. Don't defend that shit either. You did that the last time I talked to you and you better be glad I wasn't sitting right in front of you. You are a pill-head. Point blank. You have a drug problem and you have people enabling the problem and why not? I shuts you up and they don't *really* have to do their jobs. I understand the system a lot more now then I did years ago being in it for a while. I see this shit all the time.

I don't know what to say to you. You don't have time to hear me out anymore. You haven't the foggiest clue what is going on in my life for the past two years. You don't even ask. If I try to tell you anything I get cut off over and over just so that you can tell me again about how bad your life sucks. Well, it DOESN'T. WAKE UP!!!!! Throw all that garbage away and demand you get the support you need! Tim is about to leave you! Doesn't that MEAN anything to you? Are you interested?! Do you CARE?! I'm sure the pharmaceutical therapy is making you numb to it, but you will care one of these days. Or it will kill you....and it won't take long.

Truth is that you are an amazing person. I have always loved you and admired you in the very core of my being. You have been one of the more consistent rocks in my life until the last two years. Now you want to leave me too....but you know something? You left two-three years ago. Leave me if you want. I know I've been replaced by someone who hasn't been there for you already. If this was the out you were looking for, use it. But I ask that you remember this: I love you and have always loved you. I will be here for you and the invitation is open. Always."

I am so incredibly pissed.  I feel like I could explode.  How dare she presume o diagnose me when she's an emt going through paramedic school!  That gives her the right to challenge my psychiatrist and MD and therapist?!?!?!  She obviously doesn't get mental illness, and I'm certainly not getting high everyday, or any day for that matter.  Grrrr... just..effin grrrr!

Apr. 16th, 2011


So I've read myself several times.. it all came up the same.

  1. Feelings of being trapped
  2. time to seek freedom
  3. take offered opportunities
  4. a journey
Knew my gut instincts were right,

Apr. 15th, 2011

Update on Foxy

Thankfully, my dear pom is feeling much better and I didn't have to puy her down.  Still not sure what the problem was, but thank God for small favors.

Also my main computer is down for a few days (waiting on the new power cord to get here)

I feel losyt without my laptop...  I've often said it's my sidekick.

Apr. 14th, 2011

Personality Disorder Test

I knew I was screwed up, but hell....

Your Results:

Paranoid:Highmore info | forum
Schizoid:Lowmore info | forum
Schizotypal:Very Highmore info | forum
Antisocial:Lowmore info | forum
Borderline:Very Highmore info | forum
Histrionic:Highmore info | forum
Narcissistic:Moderatemore info | forum
Avoidant:Very Highmore info | forum
Dependent:Highmore info | forum
Obsessive-Compulsive:Moderatemore info | forum

Apr. 13th, 2011

I can't relate to you

 I know I've been stewing on this for a while, but just because someone who has never dealt with the kind of mental issues that I have, doesn't give them the right to decide that all it is is selfishness, and therefore they can't relate.  Nor does a small amount of schooling in the healthcare field make them a psychiatrist. Yes I'm on quite a bit of meds, but at least I'm not bleeding myself now. Doesn't mean I don't have urges but I'm controlling them. Contrary to belief, physical illnesses, such as diabetes, and mental illnesses such as severe and recurring major depressived disorder with a little mania thrown in is NOT fun.  If you think so, then please take my 6 shots of insulin a day. Really. Enjoy.


 It's funny how three little words that once meant so much, can become ingrained over the years. An automatic response that means nothing. 
I wish I understood where I'm going, Would leaving be the biggest mistake of my life?  I say this knowing that he's such things as "I don't want us to hate each other" and "I think you should go away for a while, it would be good for both of us".

I admit I get tired and feel I have little say about what goes on here. I get tired of being given a look of disgust when I get a sandwich, when all I.ve had all day is a single serving of spaghetti.  It's not like I eat a lot. Hell, I'm losing weight! But it seems that if I eat two meals a day instead of one then we'll run out of food and it will be my fault.

As I'm on a rant, I'll continue...

He hasn't touched me in 5 months or so.  So I'm in a sexless marriage.

And finally, almost everything he says or does get's on my last nerve.

Now, I'm not saying he's a terrible man, he's not.  We just don't seem to be right together anymore

I feel suffocated. No longer free to be me.. -sigh-

Apr. 11th, 2011


So it looks like we're gonna have to put my dear sr pomeranian down tomorrow. That or see if her previous owner can do anything for her. All I know is she seems to be in a great deal of pain tonight and that I can feel a long section of intestine out of place in her tummy.  I can't bear to see her in pain, but it's going to kill me that she will no longer be in my life. She's been such a precious source of joy, love, and delight. Needless to say, I'm very sad and upset tonight. Foxy, you will be missed.

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